I’m not a leader anymore.
I used to love being in charge, telling people what to do, making people get things done. It felt nice to be able to be responsible and to get things done.
But I realized that I didn’t do it properly. I didn’t inspire others to work, I simply yelled at them to work. I didn’t promote better work as a team, just fragmented efforts from all parts. Leading never worked out for me. I just didn’t do a good job.
A huge part of the problem is that I’ve never actually found friends that wanted to take charge and lead. I’ve never actually formed deep enough relationships with people who drown themselves in leadership positions, and attack the opportunity well. My friendships have always been rather career-stagment – it’s never good to be the only one who wants to do such more things in your group, to take charge and command and delegate and inspire. I want to do those things, but I can’t.
So I don’t.
That’s the worst part about it all. I see a lot of people lead, and they lead in such an ironclad, uninspiring, dictatorial fashion that it becomes clear how unhinged the people that lead become.
But I can’t do anything but watch it because I can’t do any better, and I’m in no position to judge. I can see the faults very clearly, and I can see my own at times, but I feel so very powerless against it.
I’m scared of the person I would become if I were to step up once again. I would much rather have someone else take charge, but I don’t have that luxury. Right now all I’m doing is hiding behind a cowardly wall, complaining about the inaction of others and the lack of leadership, but never taking action to alleviate it. It sucks, but I don’t really know what to do. Maybe it’s time to try again.