wanting is not enough

As kids, we’re often told that if we want something enough and we work hard enough at it, we can achieve anything we desire.

I read this article written by a guy about his marriage.

… we should stop saying that.

There are some things in life I will never be able to be, like a pilot, because my eyesight is not perfect, and I have asthma. And I will never be an astronaut, either. I will never be a NHL hockey player. I will never be a champion badminton player. I will never run this 3100 mile race.

I will never be able to do those things. It’s really, really, really hard to accept that sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

I wish I could walk into a room and make a dozen lifelong friends every time. Some people are amazing like that. But that’s never been the person I am. I’d feel fake and unreal - why do I need to talk for so long?

I wish I could fix some of my friendships. Ever yell at someone in an epic end of friendship fight? Yeah. Great. We both thought we were right and can’t find common ground. And well, I still don’t see the common ground, but I do regret that it’s ended up like this, but however much I want to apologize, there’s no way to go back to the way things were.

I wish I could talk more openly to some of my favourite friends. But that’d just be weird. Do I even fit in their list of favourites? How can I even tell? What if they unloaded on me out of the blue one day? We’d just make it more awkward. I’m on Reddit a lot, and so many other guys write about how they don’t have any close friends to talk honestly to, and so they end up keeping everything pent up inside of them in a tight cage. And it makes me sad. But you can’t just jump from being friends to being close friends like that. It takes time and effort.

I wish I could talk to my ex-girlfriend. It’s hard because so many of memories are of her. And it’s hard because I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing pops into my mind except, “I’m sorry.” And nothing in my mind can make up for what I did to her.

I wish I could ask the girl I like out. But in the end it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t like me in the same way, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Just because I want something doesn’t mean it’ll happen. And it’s incredibly hard to get over that huge bump where I have to accept that reality, without feeling like I’ve lost a piece of my soul.

I wish I could talk to my parents. No, my sister is not a failure. No, she doesn’t need you calling her fat. No, you’re the ones that are wrong when you don’t include her in your plans. No, it’s actually your fault that you don’t compliment her. No, you need to communicate with each other more. No, I don’t agree with you when you make fun of people. No, you are not in charge of our lives anymore. No, just because you’re older than us doesn’t mean you’re right. No, all your yelling will only end up pushing me and my sister further and further away. No, just because we don’t listen to you doesn’t mean we don’t love you.

No one can have everything he or she wants. But it still sucks when you can’t get it. Maybe part of life is being content with the cycle of wanting, and wanting and not having, and wanting and nothing having and letting go. Maybe that’s just the way things are. And to be honest, that’s probably the way things should be.


Contact me at lai.victor.vl@gmail.com.