Do you know what I miss most about school?
I miss walking.
Living at home with my parents during my co-op term is so limiting. It’s so much easier than living by myself, but it’s so much more restrictive.
When I was by myself, if I really needed to think, I could grab a coat and walk outside for hours and hours without a care in the world. I could explore all the way south to uptown (ironically), I could go as far north as the empty Blackberry buildings at 2:30AM. I could walk around all over Waterloo campus for the heck of it. And that helped so much.
Nowadays, I can’t even leave my house without making my parents worry and try to make me feel guilty. I can’t go for walks outside because this neighbourhood is kinda boring after 14 years, and just as importantly, there are a lot of sketchy characters around.
So I just sit at home doing whatever.
I don’t know what it is about walking that helps so much. Maybe it’s just my way of feeling a bit closer to her. Not sure. Maybe it’s just that slow, simple, step-by-step kind of mentality I’m looking for. Or maybe walking is just nature’s cure for everything.
Maybe even, it’s the song I remember from music class in elementary school. Well, I can’t say I remember it. All I know is at some point, some guy either dressed in yellow or bathed in yellow light was singing some parts of ‘Walking on Sunshine’. But I guess that’s enough.
Walking just feels so good. It’s honestly kinda bad.
It’s become this weird metaphor for all my troubles, or something like that. Maybe if I keep walking something will happen that will suddenly change everything. Maybe if I keep walking I will walk away from my past. Maybe if I keep walking, all my worries will go away. Maybe.
When I walk, I can just completely feel everything that has happened and everything around me. Like it seems to rush up out of my heart more powerfully.
And that’s bad. So very, very bad…
So yeah. For some reason my happiness levels take a nose dive and I end up on topics like these every term. I think this was the longest time I’ve gone without one of these crazy posts. I don’t know why it happens. It’s really mentally frustrating.
When I get back to Waterloo, first thing I’ll do is take a nice long walk to nowhere.
And then I’m going to sleep, wake up and smile at the next day. Because fuck it. It’ll be a new term for me, it’ll be a new life, and it’s been 18 months.
I can sit here writing like this forever or I can go out with a smile on my face and kill myself fighting for something more. And sometimes, it’s really hard to smile, but in the end that’s all you really have, isn’t it?
Never give up. This’ll be take 19.